My Existential View Of Being Transgender

And I see losing love is like a window in your heart/ Everybody sees you’re blown apart/Everybody sees the wind blow/In Graceland/I’m going to Graceland for reasons I cannot explain/There’s some part of me wants to see Graceland/And I may be obliged to defend Every love, every ending or maybe there’s no obligations now                              Graceland by Paul Simon

Most every minute of my life was aimed at this moment. Every day I went to school, every day I worked, every penny I saved, and every day I kept my secret from the world. I knew it would happen. It just didn’t happen on my time-line that I had prepared for most of my life. Probably most dreams and goals never happen when we think they will but they just occur when the occur.

I had a great life. No complaints. I was able to stay with the love of my life for 39 years, stay steadily employed, help raise a fantastic daughter, and retire young. I fought gender dysphoria in silence, I highly recommend not doing this, and I was unsuccessful at killing my young self(I have no idea how I survived.)

I always had a strong sense that I controlled my own destiny. I am not sure why or how but it just seemed that I was going to make everything turn out the way I wanted it to turn out. I am only talking about my life but I knew this from a very young age. This is my existential view of my life and I have no idea about anyone else’s journey though this life. Luck, fate, and timing all come into play in my life have all played different roles in how my journey had so many of its ups and downs. All of that meant that is was absolutely not  a perfect ride but it was my ride.

I recently watched the movie La La Land. I believe this movie took an existentialism  view of the two main characters lives. She wanted to be an actress and he wanted to own a bar. I think each character made their dream come true, even though life didn’t turn out for them to be together. At the end of the story they both achieved their goals and seemed very satisfied with the way their lives turned out.  But at the end it also showed an alternative ending to how their lives turned out and they were both very happy and together. Even when we feel we control our final destiny, we still don’t control the trip.

I can not tell you why I was born a girl who was assigned male at birth. I knew it when I was 5 years old. I knew very young that I could not control it, bury it, not think about it, or eventually not do something about it. Having everything right has been life-long goal that I have finally achieved. Life is just what happened between the first time I set out on this trip that I can’t explain why I had to take.

In the song Graceland Paul Simon speaks of going to Graceland (yes the one in Memphis.) The thing I like about this song is that it speaks of a trip that he feels he should make but for the life of him he can’t explain why he must take this trip. I know the feeling.

I think that if I could have written my own life story, beginning to end, I certainly would have changed a lot of the downs, even though I say that I have had a great life, I know that I would not have had Linda dying before me. I would have made many other adjustments but with life that is just not possible. Life has to be lived.  I am glad I get to live the rest of my life a me but then again I’ve always been me. To tell the truth I feel no different now this much later in life than when I was 5,  and I am imagestill on the journey called life.

 

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