My Transition Regret

TuesdayMeadowsby Tuesday Meadows

I wish to stay forever -letting this be my food, but I’m caught up in a whirlwind and my ever changing moods…I wish we’d come to our senses and see there is no truth in those who promote the confusion for this ever changing mood.

My Ever Changing Mood      By    The Style Council

I have told friends, associates, and just about everyone else who knew me pre-transition to living my life as my true-self that, “if you liked me before, you should still like me. If you didn’t like me before, you are probably not going to start liking me now!” In other words, I am still the same person. I haven’t changed.

Most of you know that I am mostly a happy person, but I also fight an always present underlying depression that follows me everywhere. With that in mind  I look back at my complex life with a much different view than most people see it. I know that I had happiness, great joy, and sorrow nearly simultaneously. To me, I see no difference in me  now from 20 years ago, except that I am a lot older.

So what’s up with this transition regret. No, I don’t regret that I am living my life as my true-self. I don’t regret lying to protect myself all of those years. I don’t regret any medical procedures that I’ve had done. What I do regret is that people don’t see me as the same person that I have  always been. I didn’t understand why those close to me didn’t see it. I am beginning to see things differently these days.

What I wanted people to see is what Linda saw in me, and that was that I am now just better version of myself. But everyone else is not Linda. What I have now figured out is that the me that Linda knew was the real me all along. But no one else knew that me, and  with her help I was a better version of  “that me “after I transitioned. I now realize that know one really knew that me much less an improved version of that person.

There is really no reason for anyone who liked me before my transition to like me now. I am not the same person they knew. My biggest regret is that I didn’t recognize it sooner. It doesn’t mean that people who liked me before can’t like me, but I now know they are meeting someone who they have never met before.

I want my old relationships and friendships to stay the same, but that’s impossible. I recently upset my best friend in the world because I couldn’t figure out why he treated me so different. I regret  that I didn’t look at it from his and other’s perspective.

Maybe I’ve been like someone when they are drowning and they fight whoever gets near them, even though that person is there to save them. The only thing that I can say is that I will try to be more understanding with everyone from now on. I hope they are still my friends. I hope they are there to save me from drowning.

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