A Song That Makes No Sense

When you were young and on your own how did it feel to be alone?  I was always thinking of games that I was playing trying to make the best of my time. But only love can break your heart try to be sure right from the start. Yes only love can break your heart,  what if your world should fall apart?  Only Love Can Break Your Heart   Neil Young

My life has always been like one of those songs that you hear on the radio and the lyrics make absolutely no sense. Even if you listen to it over and over it just doesn’t make any sense, whatsoever.  “Did he just say I want a girl to walk on my back.” I remember thinking about a rock song by Henry Lee Summer.  These songs will often have great music to them that you really get into, but the lyrics and the words are just too difficult understand.

So the lyrics to the song of my life were very difficult for me to understand also. I knew that I was a girl but my outsides just didn’t make any sense. When I finally sorted everything out and could understand the words to my song I was much more at peace on the inside but that made much of the world on the outside seem very hostile.

Linda was the music in my life. She made up for the lyrics that for a while I couldn’t understand and then realize that this song is actually pretty good. She was one of those people who saw the world so clear and clean and had a capacity to cut through most bull shit. I first told her early in our relationship and she said, “it is what it is, and I will deal with it.” When I started living my life as my true-self, she made the muddled words and the lyrics easier for people to listen to and for me to sing.  She was like that for many people, but for me she made my song joyful.

One year ago on September 19, 2015 my world fell apart. For me that was truly  “the day the music died.” My song will never sound as sweet. I know that will never find love again. I try to be pleasant but sometimes I get just so overwhelmed with the smallest of disappointments. Trust me this is more than grief. The lyrics without the music for me is a just a flat poem.  I am just passing time trying to stay busy until that day comes when I will leave this earth. My heart is not so much broken, as it is shattered.

Linda was brutally honest with people and some liked it others did not at first. The early years of our relationship, I was asked on many occasion, “why are you in a relationship with her, she seems kind of(they meant a lot)mean.  I would reply, “she treats me different than she does some people”  What I didn’t say was that she had no tolerance for stupid  or lazy people, so guess what that means if she didn’t like you. People who gave her a chance by actually listening to her, learned to love her honesty. They figured out that she was not mean in any sense, that all she wanted for them to be was a better version of themselves.  She was one of those people who when they told you something you could take it to the bank.

She always challenged me to be a better version of me. Because of her I wanted to get an education and work hard at my job. When I started living openly as my true-self she wanted me to stand up straight and be proud of who I was. “Don’t hide or be ashamed of who you are,” she would remind me often. Even some of her friends challenged her and wondered out loud why she stayed with me. She would be quick to say, “because I love her.”

Linda was brutally honest with me always and she would tell me straight up, ” I am not for sure if I can stay with you when you start living your life as your true-self .” I hated it at the time when she said it, but I should have appreciated her being honest with me. She took it a day at a time. I think her fear was that I would become someone different. Someone she couldn’t recognize. She then realized that I was going to stay me, and with her help a better version of myself. That’s why she stayed with me and we were happy being together, for those who have wondered.

So yes, having Linda was not only the great music of my life but also like finally reading the lyrics to the  song that you have only heard on the radio and wasn’t sure what it said.   When you read the words, then you have that “aha” moment. So those are the lyrics! Those are the words that I couldn’t understand! It makes you extremely happy to be able to understand the song that you always loved but couldn’t figure out what it meant. It makes me happy to be live my life as me. This is who I am and who I’ve always have been. If you liked me before I started living my life openly, you should still like me. If you didn’t like me before, you probably won’t start now.

When you read those lyrics to the song it also allows you think and to find the deeper meaning to the words. “Only love can break your heart,” does not mean that you shouldn’t  love someone.  It means the opposite. Your broken heart lets you know that you loved and that you were loved. Your broken heart doesn’t come from the loss of the love so much as it comes from the memory  of how great that love was, and that becomes part of you for the rest of your life. The fact that you were able to love so deep is a gift. So when you look at the song that is my life and you don’t understand, please realize that it makes perfect sense to me now.

 

 

 

 

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