Today Is Another Dagger In My Heart

Linda just wanted her favorite strawberry milkshake from Steak and Shake one last time.

Do you believe in heaven above, do you believe in love? Don’t tell a lie don’t be false or untrue it all comes back to you. Open fire! On my burning heart I’ve never been lucky in love. My defenses are down a kiss or a frown I can’t survive on my own.  Send Me An Angel.          Real Life

Looking at these song lyrics this morning, I can’t really say that I’ve never been lucky in love, in fact many people would say that I had won the “Powerball Lottery of Love” when I met Linda. Just like many real Powerball winners I squandered my fortune. Maybe it was because like other winners of lotteries or other who have had good fortune befall them, we believe that we did not deserve it.

During our 39 years of marriage(and a 3 year courtship) we were separated twice. I pushed most people out of my life, including Linda. Both separations  were my doing. When I realized that my “feminine side” was really the fact that I was transgender I pushed even harder. We separated and got back together when she called me and told me to please come home and that she loved me. The second time was the last time we were ever apart and the was over 30 years ago.

Now I loved Linda with all of my heart the entire time we were together, and even the times we were separated.  Even though I loved her I still kept pushing as recently as just over 3 years ago when I started my medical transition. I pushed her away by saying that I wanted her to tell me that she would stay with me unconditionally. She would never say it and why would she. I am ashamed of the fact that after all of those years together that I didn’t believe in her. She would simply state, “I will do my best to stay.” I should have realize that “her best” was pretty great.

I guess deep inside I was just so ashamed of who I really was that I couldn’t understand how anyone could love me. I fight this feeling but it still lingers in my head.  That is why I never told my family or any of my friends. I knew that they would reject me if they only know the real me. I’ve pushed most of my friends away because it was hard for me to believe that any of them could love me. I still think to this day, “how could anyone possibly love me?”

So I am sitting here listening to the song Send Me An Angel and feeling sorry for myself. I know that I should have done better at appreciating every minute that I spent with her. I can’t help the fact that I am a transgender woman, but I could have been a better person. Today Linda and I should be celebrating 40 years marriage together, a fantastic love, the best of the best friendships, and a great life because of her. I wish she was here so I could simply say,  “I am sorry.”



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